What is "Love"

What is Love? That is all I ask- oh and where to find it. lol

They say you do crazy things when you are in love, but is it wierd that maybe I haven't found love yet? Maybe just an artificial puppy-dog love... I don't know.


other boys will be in another post. This one is just on my mind...


Oh and is it bad to want what you can't have? I mean, I would hate to even think to break things up, but its hard to stop when you like what you've tried. My heart is aching, grieving for more. I try and get my head out of the clouds- talking to other guys, wanting them, but it all comes back to him. I am so bad that I check my facebook updates every 5 minutes (not really but you know) to see if anything new is up.
--It all started last winter. He is indeed younger but only by like 9 months. We have been talking and we decided that we liked each other but I had softball season comming up and he had baseball and the scheduals would be crazy, so we decided to be just friends. And I liked talking to him as a friend, until he started talking about this girl he really liked, and although I cared about his happiness and gave him advice, he and I flirted...a lot and I really liked it. So spring break comes along and we start talking a lot more and more serious. I had plans to go to Las Vegas with my dad- which was awesome- and I had a few days before we left so we decied to hang out. He wanted me to go over to his house in the morning, so silly me I did. We watched some T.V. then we started kissing (at that time I had braces-ewww) and it was nice. Then we started to do more. Neither of us pushed, we just went with the flow and it was good. Well that night, we have never talked more. I went back over the next day and we had funn again, but did I mention that he had a brother in my grade who was dating one of my best friends- yeah. And this whole "thing" going on was a complete secret, we didn't really feel it was necessary for it to be public- and it was funn to be so sneeky. :-) Oh so we were doing "stuff" and all of a sudden his brother comes in... wow good times. Thank God that he didn't see me with him but my car was parked in his driveway and he saw me drive away. So not even 4 minutes later, his girlfriend/ my best friend calls me asking why I was at the house. I find that I am an amazing bullshitter. lol. So I call the guy and we talked and decied we needed some time to just figure everything out... at least until I got back from Las Vegas. When I got back, we wanted to keep things even more low-key, so we just talked for a while and then it got better. Then we just stopped talking. He was being a dick so I am a person who is mature and doesn't deal with kid drama. Plus the girl that he liked was starting to talk to him so I told him I just wanted to be fiends until he decided what he wanted. Well he chose her and we haven't really talked since... at least until the fourth of July. Mind you that I haven't talked to this kid in like forever! He just starts talking to me like old times, and it was akward at first. But then we started talking and his girlfriend came up... they were on a break and he said he knew he always liked me... well... we have been talking and I decided that we needed to see each other, and plus I am leaving in like 4 weeks for college... why not... well he was soo damn excited that I was comming over and it was a good time when I got there. Let's just say we did a lot more than last time... he was happy when I left and I was just as happy. We kissed goodbye and he was all I could think about. Then all of a sudden he texts me- I'm sorry. its not you, I really shouldn't have done that.- well I knew what it was, or at least who it was. He felt guilty. He missed his girlfriend... well I was bitchin, but I still wanted to be there for him, so I told him, like a good friend would, even if he had no reason to talk to me, he needed to talk to his girlfriend. he obviously figured it out today so I wanted to see him happy. He texted me back and said that he was getting together to talk with her... good... I guess. Well.. let's just say he won't talk to me, not even as a friend... all I think about is that it was me... was I a bad kisser. No other guy has complained... idk... ugh, but I really miss him. Why is everything in life difficult?

Whatever happens. I had funn... while it lasted.

oh yeah. I live.laugh.love.forever.