Okay. It is killing me not being next to you at night and the last time that we saw eachother we said goodbye... But what if I never wanted goodbye, I realize that I miss you, knowing that I have made a huge mistake. Everynight I have to think of you and what I left behind. Everytime I sleep, your memories are with me, with the bear. I cant get over the feelings that are still with me.
WHY? It isnt fair. why did I have to go so far away? I know it was what I really wanted back then.. but now... WOW its hard to think that or why I could change my mind. I want you back. I want you with me... you are so far away and we stopped talking. I know that you were probably mad and upset that this had to end, and you wanted to work it out, but completely cutting me off is not fair! You know how I really feel and that you weren't just a "fling" this summer. We have known each other for 4 years... on and off talking. I am a ten times the person because you were in my life, and I would think that I did the same to you.
When we met, I was just a sophmore in high school, trying to figure out who I am in this world. I drove, scared to death, over to the west side of the city and when we went putt putting and movie, I knew thats what happy felt like. When you took me to Echo Park, looking at the view of the bright city let me see the other side of it. Realizing that I could feel safe in this part of the city made me feel powering, but still insecure. I felt safe in your arms, and have ever since. The way our lips hugged as we kissed was very new... your lucious lips were new and amazing. It was so nice not to have to work for it. You were the one who took control when we kissed and shit. You made me your baby and it was magical the first time between us.
We stopped our talking and hanging for quite some time... maybe for the best. You finally decided to get your act together and getting yourseld into college. I told you that I didnt want to be with someone that worked at Fricshes their whole life and that I knew your dream of becoming a roller coaster designer. That made me respect you when you enrolled, knowing that you are going for what you want in life.
We started to talk again, you taking the anitiative to come see ME. I thought it was going great until we started to slip away from each other. I would always be the one to start the conversations and you would rarely be the one to call me, and I saw that we were not really in a relationship, but I never wanted to loose what we had as friends. I wish it was a relationship, because of everything we shared.
This shit about us talking on and off was rediculus. We wanted to work things out, then you didnt. Sometimes I just felt that I was just there for the ride that you were putting me on. At times all I wanted to do was drop everything and drive over there to see you. Other times a wanted to pull my hair out. You were everything to me when we talked, nothing else around me mattered.
This summer has been the best summer of my life. I was my own woman and I had my life on track. We found ourselves back together, but it was probably the worst timing. We made it official and wanted it to last. You made your best effort to come see me at least 3 times a week, and at least one day every weekend. We saw each other's party side and we loved it, even though you weren't too good at the beer pong. We did have our fights... you smoking was one of my buttons you pushed at times, when you would show up high... I was not too happy. And I pushed yours. You found times, not around me, to do what you do, and it was the same with me. The last week that we were together, wishing that wouldn't be the last, was the best. I knew that we were in love, even though I'm still not sure what it really is, but you showed me what it can mean between two people. We shared something special and I never want to forget our life together.
Leaving you was never my plan, but you and I both know that I needed to follow my dream down here. I never wanted to break your heart. I wanted you to be free from distant attachments so you could be the man you have become with someone in Cincinnati, and I thought a long long long long ass time about what I had to do that night, that sad night. I knew that I may not be true to you when I am down here and I wanted you feel the same way about being up there. When you took me to "our spot" at Echo Park and made a picnic.. I wanted to cry. I knew that I had to do it. I was sorry, and still sorry that I broke your heart, and you must know that it broke my heart just as much. You wanted to work it out, I know, but I couldn't do this to you...... I love you no matter what... thats what we said, and when I come back and we still are single and are talking and interested.... we will be together. Maybe we need this. I might NEED this time to figure what my life has been like with you compared to how it is now, without you.... it's hard, let me tell you.
When I saw your number pop up on my phone my heart stopped. After not talking to me and not replying to any of my messages or calls, you call me. I didn't know what to say. There was so much running through my mind, so many memories. I missed you. I wasn't ready for this. I need some time to think. Missing you this much and thinking about home, then you calling me. I just want to come see you and everyone else. I want to come back to your warm, strong arms and kiss like we did before. But I can't act on my emotions. I am stronger than that. I just need some time alone, away from everybody... just time to myself... I will figure it all out and we will talk soon... this answer will be good either way it goes... just remember. I will always love you no matter what...
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