Okay. It is killing me not being next to you at night and the last time that we saw eachother we said goodbye... But what if I never wanted goodbye, I realize that I miss you, knowing that I have made a huge mistake. Everynight I have to think of you and what I left behind. Everytime I sleep, your memories are with me, with the bear. I cant get over the feelings that are still with me.
WHY? It isnt fair. why did I have to go so far away? I know it was what I really wanted back then.. but now... WOW its hard to think that or why I could change my mind. I want you back. I want you with me... you are so far away and we stopped talking. I know that you were probably mad and upset that this had to end, and you wanted to work it out, but completely cutting me off is not fair! You know how I really feel and that you weren't just a "fling" this summer. We have known each other for 4 years... on and off talking. I am a ten times the person because you were in my life, and I would think that I did the same to you.
When we met, I was just a sophmore in high school, trying to figure out who I am in this world. I drove, scared to death, over to the west side of the city and when we went putt putting and movie, I knew thats what happy felt like. When you took me to Echo Park, looking at the view of the bright city let me see the other side of it. Realizing that I could feel safe in this part of the city made me feel powering, but still insecure. I felt safe in your arms, and have ever since. The way our lips hugged as we kissed was very new... your lucious lips were new and amazing. It was so nice not to have to work for it. You were the one who took control when we kissed and shit. You made me your baby and it was magical the first time between us.
We stopped our talking and hanging for quite some time... maybe for the best. You finally decided to get your act together and getting yourseld into college. I told you that I didnt want to be with someone that worked at Fricshes their whole life and that I knew your dream of becoming a roller coaster designer. That made me respect you when you enrolled, knowing that you are going for what you want in life.
We started to talk again, you taking the anitiative to come see ME. I thought it was going great until we started to slip away from each other. I would always be the one to start the conversations and you would rarely be the one to call me, and I saw that we were not really in a relationship, but I never wanted to loose what we had as friends. I wish it was a relationship, because of everything we shared.
This shit about us talking on and off was rediculus. We wanted to work things out, then you didnt. Sometimes I just felt that I was just there for the ride that you were putting me on. At times all I wanted to do was drop everything and drive over there to see you. Other times a wanted to pull my hair out. You were everything to me when we talked, nothing else around me mattered.
This summer has been the best summer of my life. I was my own woman and I had my life on track. We found ourselves back together, but it was probably the worst timing. We made it official and wanted it to last. You made your best effort to come see me at least 3 times a week, and at least one day every weekend. We saw each other's party side and we loved it, even though you weren't too good at the beer pong. We did have our fights... you smoking was one of my buttons you pushed at times, when you would show up high... I was not too happy. And I pushed yours. You found times, not around me, to do what you do, and it was the same with me. The last week that we were together, wishing that wouldn't be the last, was the best. I knew that we were in love, even though I'm still not sure what it really is, but you showed me what it can mean between two people. We shared something special and I never want to forget our life together.
Leaving you was never my plan, but you and I both know that I needed to follow my dream down here. I never wanted to break your heart. I wanted you to be free from distant attachments so you could be the man you have become with someone in Cincinnati, and I thought a long long long long ass time about what I had to do that night, that sad night. I knew that I may not be true to you when I am down here and I wanted you feel the same way about being up there. When you took me to "our spot" at Echo Park and made a picnic.. I wanted to cry. I knew that I had to do it. I was sorry, and still sorry that I broke your heart, and you must know that it broke my heart just as much. You wanted to work it out, I know, but I couldn't do this to you...... I love you no matter what... thats what we said, and when I come back and we still are single and are talking and interested.... we will be together. Maybe we need this. I might NEED this time to figure what my life has been like with you compared to how it is now, without you.... it's hard, let me tell you.
When I saw your number pop up on my phone my heart stopped. After not talking to me and not replying to any of my messages or calls, you call me. I didn't know what to say. There was so much running through my mind, so many memories. I missed you. I wasn't ready for this. I need some time to think. Missing you this much and thinking about home, then you calling me. I just want to come see you and everyone else. I want to come back to your warm, strong arms and kiss like we did before. But I can't act on my emotions. I am stronger than that. I just need some time alone, away from everybody... just time to myself... I will figure it all out and we will talk soon... this answer will be good either way it goes... just remember. I will always love you no matter what...
Thursday, September 23, 2010
Saturday, July 31, 2010
Attatchments
I'm leaving for Florida in, count it, 7 days. Andrea is leaving in 5.
Wow. It's all coming so fast and I am not sure I am ready. I have so many people that I will miss. I have teared up at least once everyday this week just thinking about leaving.
Andrea and I were talking about being attatched and realized that we can't be. She will be leaving for Mississippi State and she has broke a boy's heart who used to be her best guy friend. She wants him still as a friend because he gave her good advice and was always there for her as a guy. He fell in love with her and it ruined their relationship.
We want to make the most of the summer so we decided to hang out with whoever we want and hook up with any guy we want. Because WHO CARES? Who am I going to see down at Eckerd from here that will judge me? no one. So we are making the most of our last days and living it up. We will not have anything left here when we leave.
we are living.laughing(of course). and especially loving.
Wow. It's all coming so fast and I am not sure I am ready. I have so many people that I will miss. I have teared up at least once everyday this week just thinking about leaving.
Andrea and I were talking about being attatched and realized that we can't be. She will be leaving for Mississippi State and she has broke a boy's heart who used to be her best guy friend. She wants him still as a friend because he gave her good advice and was always there for her as a guy. He fell in love with her and it ruined their relationship.
We want to make the most of the summer so we decided to hang out with whoever we want and hook up with any guy we want. Because WHO CARES? Who am I going to see down at Eckerd from here that will judge me? no one. So we are making the most of our last days and living it up. We will not have anything left here when we leave.
we are living.laughing(of course). and especially loving.
UPPDATE
Sooooo... sorry I haven't bloggged inn forevvvvvver. Well we have a lot to talk about.
So the bombfire was actually an inside poker and Nintendo game night. It lasted until like 4 in the morning. Andrea and I made funfetti cupcakes and they were AMAZING. Then Maddie came over and helped us ice them, that was the time that I found out that I was terrible at it. I was the sprinkle spreader. I was pretty damn good at it. lol.
John Mayer came to Riverbend, Andrea was housesitting, and we had a good time. We had a little party before hand and durring and after. We didn't get much sleep that night... we learned a lot about each other hehe. Andrea found a new friend... giving people chances have helped her.
So a boy that I have had a "thing" with for 3 years came and saw me. He had finals and wanted to celebrate with me. I forgot how much I liked him. His name is Vincent and he is truely sweet. He lives across town and he came to see ME. He usually never makes the effort, but this time he did. I was glad Andrea, Maddie and Ryan got to meet him. They do not really like him but it's not like we are dating, even though we made out for like ever. lol.
I can't get attatched... I'm leaving and I'm free. leave it.
So the bombfire was actually an inside poker and Nintendo game night. It lasted until like 4 in the morning. Andrea and I made funfetti cupcakes and they were AMAZING. Then Maddie came over and helped us ice them, that was the time that I found out that I was terrible at it. I was the sprinkle spreader. I was pretty damn good at it. lol.
John Mayer came to Riverbend, Andrea was housesitting, and we had a good time. We had a little party before hand and durring and after. We didn't get much sleep that night... we learned a lot about each other hehe. Andrea found a new friend... giving people chances have helped her.
So a boy that I have had a "thing" with for 3 years came and saw me. He had finals and wanted to celebrate with me. I forgot how much I liked him. His name is Vincent and he is truely sweet. He lives across town and he came to see ME. He usually never makes the effort, but this time he did. I was glad Andrea, Maddie and Ryan got to meet him. They do not really like him but it's not like we are dating, even though we made out for like ever. lol.
I can't get attatched... I'm leaving and I'm free. leave it.
Monday, July 19, 2010
recipes!
Okay so one thing you must know about me is that I LOVE to bake. I am usually the one that makes the cakes for birthdays and cookies and cupcakes just cause I was bored. One thing that I need to make better is brownies. Mine never come out right. They always have crispy edges or are not even done in the middle. So I am looking online for different recipes.
Tomorrow (if it doesn't rain) I am planning on having a bombfire and having some friends over. So I wanted to have more than just s'mores so that is why I am making cupcakes. I have no idea what kind though! I was thinking of red velvet because I am feeling out of normality! ORRRRR I was thinking my famous Chocolate. I put either pudding mix orrr hot cocoa mix! They give it that pow in your mouth! One of my best friends had just suggested funfetti. So I might just have to make both!!! lol
Tomorrow (if it doesn't rain) I am planning on having a bombfire and having some friends over. So I wanted to have more than just s'mores so that is why I am making cupcakes. I have no idea what kind though! I was thinking of red velvet because I am feeling out of normality! ORRRRR I was thinking my famous Chocolate. I put either pudding mix orrr hot cocoa mix! They give it that pow in your mouth! One of my best friends had just suggested funfetti. So I might just have to make both!!! lol
Thursday, July 8, 2010
What is "Love"
What is Love? That is all I ask- oh and where to find it. lol
They say you do crazy things when you are in love, but is it wierd that maybe I haven't found love yet? Maybe just an artificial puppy-dog love... I don't know.
other boys will be in another post. This one is just on my mind...
Oh and is it bad to want what you can't have? I mean, I would hate to even think to break things up, but its hard to stop when you like what you've tried. My heart is aching, grieving for more. I try and get my head out of the clouds- talking to other guys, wanting them, but it all comes back to him. I am so bad that I check my facebook updates every 5 minutes (not really but you know) to see if anything new is up.
--It all started last winter. He is indeed younger but only by like 9 months. We have been talking and we decided that we liked each other but I had softball season comming up and he had baseball and the scheduals would be crazy, so we decided to be just friends. And I liked talking to him as a friend, until he started talking about this girl he really liked, and although I cared about his happiness and gave him advice, he and I flirted...a lot and I really liked it. So spring break comes along and we start talking a lot more and more serious. I had plans to go to Las Vegas with my dad- which was awesome- and I had a few days before we left so we decied to hang out. He wanted me to go over to his house in the morning, so silly me I did. We watched some T.V. then we started kissing (at that time I had braces-ewww) and it was nice. Then we started to do more. Neither of us pushed, we just went with the flow and it was good. Well that night, we have never talked more. I went back over the next day and we had funn again, but did I mention that he had a brother in my grade who was dating one of my best friends- yeah. And this whole "thing" going on was a complete secret, we didn't really feel it was necessary for it to be public- and it was funn to be so sneeky. :-) Oh so we were doing "stuff" and all of a sudden his brother comes in... wow good times. Thank God that he didn't see me with him but my car was parked in his driveway and he saw me drive away. So not even 4 minutes later, his girlfriend/ my best friend calls me asking why I was at the house. I find that I am an amazing bullshitter. lol. So I call the guy and we talked and decied we needed some time to just figure everything out... at least until I got back from Las Vegas. When I got back, we wanted to keep things even more low-key, so we just talked for a while and then it got better. Then we just stopped talking. He was being a dick so I am a person who is mature and doesn't deal with kid drama. Plus the girl that he liked was starting to talk to him so I told him I just wanted to be fiends until he decided what he wanted. Well he chose her and we haven't really talked since... at least until the fourth of July. Mind you that I haven't talked to this kid in like forever! He just starts talking to me like old times, and it was akward at first. But then we started talking and his girlfriend came up... they were on a break and he said he knew he always liked me... well... we have been talking and I decided that we needed to see each other, and plus I am leaving in like 4 weeks for college... why not... well he was soo damn excited that I was comming over and it was a good time when I got there. Let's just say we did a lot more than last time... he was happy when I left and I was just as happy. We kissed goodbye and he was all I could think about. Then all of a sudden he texts me- I'm sorry. its not you, I really shouldn't have done that.- well I knew what it was, or at least who it was. He felt guilty. He missed his girlfriend... well I was bitchin, but I still wanted to be there for him, so I told him, like a good friend would, even if he had no reason to talk to me, he needed to talk to his girlfriend. he obviously figured it out today so I wanted to see him happy. He texted me back and said that he was getting together to talk with her... good... I guess. Well.. let's just say he won't talk to me, not even as a friend... all I think about is that it was me... was I a bad kisser. No other guy has complained... idk... ugh, but I really miss him. Why is everything in life difficult?
Whatever happens. I had funn... while it lasted.
oh yeah. I live.laugh.love.forever.
They say you do crazy things when you are in love, but is it wierd that maybe I haven't found love yet? Maybe just an artificial puppy-dog love... I don't know.
other boys will be in another post. This one is just on my mind...
Oh and is it bad to want what you can't have? I mean, I would hate to even think to break things up, but its hard to stop when you like what you've tried. My heart is aching, grieving for more. I try and get my head out of the clouds- talking to other guys, wanting them, but it all comes back to him. I am so bad that I check my facebook updates every 5 minutes (not really but you know) to see if anything new is up.
--It all started last winter. He is indeed younger but only by like 9 months. We have been talking and we decided that we liked each other but I had softball season comming up and he had baseball and the scheduals would be crazy, so we decided to be just friends. And I liked talking to him as a friend, until he started talking about this girl he really liked, and although I cared about his happiness and gave him advice, he and I flirted...a lot and I really liked it. So spring break comes along and we start talking a lot more and more serious. I had plans to go to Las Vegas with my dad- which was awesome- and I had a few days before we left so we decied to hang out. He wanted me to go over to his house in the morning, so silly me I did. We watched some T.V. then we started kissing (at that time I had braces-ewww) and it was nice. Then we started to do more. Neither of us pushed, we just went with the flow and it was good. Well that night, we have never talked more. I went back over the next day and we had funn again, but did I mention that he had a brother in my grade who was dating one of my best friends- yeah. And this whole "thing" going on was a complete secret, we didn't really feel it was necessary for it to be public- and it was funn to be so sneeky. :-) Oh so we were doing "stuff" and all of a sudden his brother comes in... wow good times. Thank God that he didn't see me with him but my car was parked in his driveway and he saw me drive away. So not even 4 minutes later, his girlfriend/ my best friend calls me asking why I was at the house. I find that I am an amazing bullshitter. lol. So I call the guy and we talked and decied we needed some time to just figure everything out... at least until I got back from Las Vegas. When I got back, we wanted to keep things even more low-key, so we just talked for a while and then it got better. Then we just stopped talking. He was being a dick so I am a person who is mature and doesn't deal with kid drama. Plus the girl that he liked was starting to talk to him so I told him I just wanted to be fiends until he decided what he wanted. Well he chose her and we haven't really talked since... at least until the fourth of July. Mind you that I haven't talked to this kid in like forever! He just starts talking to me like old times, and it was akward at first. But then we started talking and his girlfriend came up... they were on a break and he said he knew he always liked me... well... we have been talking and I decided that we needed to see each other, and plus I am leaving in like 4 weeks for college... why not... well he was soo damn excited that I was comming over and it was a good time when I got there. Let's just say we did a lot more than last time... he was happy when I left and I was just as happy. We kissed goodbye and he was all I could think about. Then all of a sudden he texts me- I'm sorry. its not you, I really shouldn't have done that.- well I knew what it was, or at least who it was. He felt guilty. He missed his girlfriend... well I was bitchin, but I still wanted to be there for him, so I told him, like a good friend would, even if he had no reason to talk to me, he needed to talk to his girlfriend. he obviously figured it out today so I wanted to see him happy. He texted me back and said that he was getting together to talk with her... good... I guess. Well.. let's just say he won't talk to me, not even as a friend... all I think about is that it was me... was I a bad kisser. No other guy has complained... idk... ugh, but I really miss him. Why is everything in life difficult?
Whatever happens. I had funn... while it lasted.
oh yeah. I live.laugh.love.forever.
making lissts... of my life
So I want to keep up with this thing and I have a lot to share.
I am sitting here, watching Moulin Rouge, making my list of stuff I need to pack for College. What do I bring? This is really exciting but scary at the same time. please follow me as I take the biggest step of my life (so far, lol). I am listing all the clothes I will be taking and shoes, stuff like that. But, like movies and shit. I don't want to loose them, so can I put my name on them, like Mom used to put on our underwear when we went to summer camp, or is that just a total turn off to a guy?
Speaking of guys, I am a softball player, but let me make one thing FOR SURE CLEAR-- I am as straight as an arrow. I love boys, and I would hate to be pursued as a softball stereotype... get it? got it? GOOD. :-)
This summer I would have to say is one of the best summers of my life. I have so much freedom, freedom to go and do anything I please, with whomever, whenever I please, and since I am going away I want to spend as much time with my fiends as I can, and it is super hard with our schedules, but we make it work.
Keeping in touch with the parents once in a while is not even a problem.
I only have about 4 weeks to make the summer even better than it already is. I want to say I have many regrets, but I don't, and I think that is fantastic.
Well, I should probably get back to my list-making (like its going to get any easier). Oh yeah- I'm working on my about me, so check it out real soon!
Keep on living it up and never forget to live.laugh.love.forever
I am sitting here, watching Moulin Rouge, making my list of stuff I need to pack for College. What do I bring? This is really exciting but scary at the same time. please follow me as I take the biggest step of my life (so far, lol). I am listing all the clothes I will be taking and shoes, stuff like that. But, like movies and shit. I don't want to loose them, so can I put my name on them, like Mom used to put on our underwear when we went to summer camp, or is that just a total turn off to a guy?
Speaking of guys, I am a softball player, but let me make one thing FOR SURE CLEAR-- I am as straight as an arrow. I love boys, and I would hate to be pursued as a softball stereotype... get it? got it? GOOD. :-)
This summer I would have to say is one of the best summers of my life. I have so much freedom, freedom to go and do anything I please, with whomever, whenever I please, and since I am going away I want to spend as much time with my fiends as I can, and it is super hard with our schedules, but we make it work.
Keeping in touch with the parents once in a while is not even a problem.
I only have about 4 weeks to make the summer even better than it already is. I want to say I have many regrets, but I don't, and I think that is fantastic.
Well, I should probably get back to my list-making (like its going to get any easier). Oh yeah- I'm working on my about me, so check it out real soon!
Keep on living it up and never forget to live.laugh.love.forever
Tuesday, July 6, 2010
Welcome
So this is new. I love to talk but never write anything down, so this is good for me. As I blog, you will get into my mind and my life. I want to let you into my life- love or college. I want to get answers to my questions about situations and answer the hypothetical questions that other people want answers too.
You'll get to know me... soon.
This is just an official welcome to my life.
You'll get to know me... soon.
This is just an official welcome to my life.
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